Chronicles in Therapy: Can I be Forgiven?

I had a patient, Marie, with severe physical impairment and depression, tell me the impact this has had on her relationship with her son. She admits she was absent mentally and emotionally for most of his childhood and sees his current disrespect for her as punishment for this. She has been accepting his sharp barbs and coldness for the last 5 years as she has tried to make amends. They still live in the same house and so every time she extends the olive branch, which is many times a day, she tells me it is as if he pulls the branch back and snaps it in her face. He ignores her, is critical of her, ungrateful of her efforts and dismissive. In short, she tells me, he is cruel.

And Marie knows she can not ask for more from him at this time. He is angry, he has felt the loss of his mother and now that she is present and wanting to take responsibility, he tells her it is too late.

But how long must I suffer? She asks me. It is not as though she chose to be unavailable to him. Her chronic pain had been so severe, the medications she was on altered her levels of consciousness day to day and so she was not present, even for herself.

You feel you must suffer to show him your love and remorse. I observed. Is the suffering doing that? I asked. Is it communicating what you want, that you love him and are sorry?

I don't know, she says, I hope, but we are not getting anywhere.

Marie is now answering his every beck and call and doing most things for him when he asks. She will try to tend to him emotionally but he keeps her at arms length. When he is particularly hurtful, Marie can become extremely emotional, angry and then suicidal with her guilt.

I had the thought of loving him less, she confessed before bursting into tears. I can't forgive myself for having this thought, she cries.

Be careful, I tell her, listen to what it is you are actually saying. It is not to stop loving him, but a thought, some small awareness from within, that you might need to love him differently because the way you are doing so now is killing you.

What do you mean? She asks.

This opened a discussion Marie had never had with herself before, of who is being punished and by whom, and for what crime. In her interactions with her son, she takes on the identity and responsibility of an absent, neglectful mother, forgetting that she was in pain and struggling to even care for herself. She has played along and believes with her son's view that she is all bad, all wrong, and therefore deserving of how he treats her.

And there is no doubt Nick is hurting and angry and that he has the right to be. However, I told Marie, it is also very important she not forget that while he was deprived of a mother, she too was deprived. Of motherhood. Marie began to cry again. She had never even considered this, so focussed she was on trying to make up for her son's loss that she never acknowledged or even was aware of her own. Loss and grief bind their experiences together, it does not necessarily have to be about who is right or wrong/good or bad.

I can not promise that Nick will be ok, I told her, but you are my patient, not Nick and you are not ok. Perhaps we help you work on your own pain first. She silently nodded.

In therapy, the goal is not to assign blame, or to punish. It is to understand the context of the hardship and to help patients see how even when they have done things they regret and feel are unforgiveable, very often, these patients are trying their best with what they have. There was no moment that Marie wanted to abandon her son. Fortunately, she married a man who could take over and be the primary caregiver and strong attachment figure for their children.

Is Marie worthy of forgiveness? It very much depends on who you ask. Her husband has forgiven her. He has been by her side these past 30 years. For Nick, I do not have the answer for this, nor can I do much about this. It is up to Nick. Can and should Marie forgive herself? It is too soon to say. The more relevant question, the one I can do something about, is this: Is Marie worthy of understanding? My answer is unequivocal: Yes.