Conversations in Therapy

What is a therapist but someone trying to figure out who she is in the context of you, the patient?
What I love about therapy are the important questions that arise that are fundamental to all of us and our well-being. Questions about connection and being understood, questions about identity and responsibility.

RESPONSIBILITY
What is responsibility without limitation? What is your relationship with responsibility? With Limitations? Both these things are unavoidable in most adult lives. Many tell me how they do not like either, that they are burdensome and get in the way. But we need both, don't we? And we need just the right amount. Without responsibility there is no growth or power. Without responsibility one fades into irrelevance and dependency. For most of us irrelevance is a fate worse than physical pain. It is an emotional and psychological death.
Limitations keep us grounded. We need these to feel safe in the world. Of course I talk to people who feel constrained and trapped, limitations can do that too. But without limits what is at risk? The answer I have come to is...Everything.

FORGIVENESS
Who has the power to forgive? In my many conversations about forgiveness, I see it more and more as one and the same with Hope. One of the most difficult things a human can do is forgive. The capacity to forgive astounds me. To live and exist and to learn about oneself is to bump into others and create friction, both good and bad. To deeply hurt another is the trajectory of some. To make a mistake with tremendous consequences is part of being human. I have always wrestled with the question of forgiveness. For me, it was not a single act that changes the course of a life, but an evolution. Forgiveness was something I returned to again and again, wondering what it was, and if I needed to do it. Until one day, how I hurt and had hurt others came to me once more, but without pain or judgement.
I have concluded that forgiving oneself is absolutely necessary in taking control back in your life and having any hope for your future. It is not condoning an action, but an acceptance of your capacity to do harm. To forgive means there is a belief in the goodness and value of you. It is to say there is more to you than that egregious action and as a whole you are worthwhile. Forgiveness gives you permission to breathe, to participate and to experience joy and love despite what you might have done.

PARENTING
The ultimate relationship where what is within your control and what is not is constantly changing and being tested. In my many discussions with many types of parents raising many types of children, the stress of raising children is very VERY real. That parents are feeling increasingly ill-equipped to help their children through modern day challenges is evident in every one of these conversations. Be it with technology, mental illness, addiction, social media, parents are feeling they have less of the necessary expertise and therefore ability to protect their children. The question came up the other day when I was speaking to a father of a teenager, "how would you like to parent such that in 5 years from now, you will have no regrets, you would know you tried your best?" without hesitation he said, "Oh, I know I will have regrets."
Parents feel so responsible, and there is no open discussion about the limitations of this responsibility (we come full circle). We are told as parents we have a lot of control and we do, until we don't.
The one responsibility a parent has control over is to always be the bigger person, which is obvious, but what it means is to always be open to repair and connect. It is to have an endless supply of olive branches. When you consistently message to a child that that you want a relationship, and that you are open to a relationship that best suits you BOTH because you see the best in the child, I can't see how there would be regret. A good-enough parent commits to always trying their best which is NOT the same as always being at your best. A very important distinction.