It is OK to Not Feel Good - A meditation ...of sorts
It does not mean you are broken. It does not mean you are depressed (though check with a therapist or doctor if you are concerned about this). It does not mean you need medication.
It is ok to ask yourself what brings you joy. It is ok not to know. It is ok to feel very tired, no matter how blessed and grateful you are. It is ok to feel worn down.
It is ok to feel lost, to not know what is the purpose of your life. It is ok to be looking and feel frustrated. It is ok to remember a time when you felt differently and to wish for that time back. It is ok to realize that how you have approached your life up until this point is no longer working for you. It is ok to have difficulty adjusting to something uncertain, something new. It is ok to be scared in this moment in time. It is ok to be confused at the state of the world. It is ok to not know where you want to be, who you want to be, and to not like where you are right now. As a parent, it is ok to not love how the role takes from you and eclipses your individuality. It is not selfish. It is OK.
It is ok to realize you are figuring out what is next, and to not have a clue.
You are ok. Did you know you can love, value and accept yourself even if you do not feel it? Sit with this conundrum for as long as you need to, at least until the instinct to fight or attack yourself subsides.
The above is what I find I am saying when I sit to connect with how I have been feeling these past couple of weeks.
I take an opportunity where I can be alone for 30-60 minutes and I ask myself: Where am I at? Because I know I do not feel good.
I let an answer come up, without editing, without overthinking. I just speak what feels true: I am tired. It feels like groundhog day to some degree. I have built an identity that was running well enough on certain inputs, and those inputs have changed (e.g. marriage, children, work, aging). So the feeling good about my previous identity, the excitement in building and maintaining that identity, has changed too.
I don't know how to feel good anymore. Ok…stay calm. There is no quick fix to this, I am searching. It is a process. I must accept this and treat myself respectfully, compassionately. I know who I am and I will be ok. I do not know how long this will last, but this is what it is to be living isn't?
A rule I have when I am figuring something out: Do not trivialize and NEVER not want to be who you are. Never mind that being somebody else is not an option, but it is also not the solution. In my experience, when I do not want to be myself, this tells me I do not yet know and understand myself well enough. It tells me that this is what I need to do next.
Fortunately, I know myself well enough at this point in my life and I know my values. This is one advantage to aging, this is wisdom. I know I have things about me I am proud of and that I love, while still struggling with feeling like something significant is missing. So that is where I am at: unhappy with my life, but not with who I am.
P.S I am also on substack and if you prefer to follow me there, this post can be found there at: https://open.substack.com/pub/drsarahchan/p/it-is-ok-to-not-feel-good-a-meditation?r=47gsr5&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=true