She Finds Peace
Finding peace is one of the most common wishes I hear from patients. A wish I used to blow past in my appointment with patients because of how vague, overly simplistic and unattainable it sounded, much like the wish to be "happy". I hope it comes as no surprise to anyone when I say, from my experience, the last person to talk to about being happy and at peace is a psychiatrist. The modern-day psychiatrist is not trained to know any more about these things than a car mechanic.
And what does it even mean to be at peace?
Well, she found it, this patient of mine. And fortunately, it is not as fantastical and impossible as I thought.
To give some context, this patient finds herself trapped in an unhappy marriage. Trapped because she has 3 young children, 2 of who have Autism, she can not raise on her own. She has chronic pain from a back injury she sustained at work resulting in the end of a very promising career. She has and continues to have a conflicted relationship with her mother, someone she has spent her lifetime trying to impress, without much success.
Spoiler alert, none of the above has changed. They remain true to this day, and yet, this patient still found peace.
When I reflect on her work with me in therapy, I saw the first signs of change when she began to explore her marriage. She surprised herself one day when she honestly blurted out, "I am a great wife, it is not my fault he can not see it or appreciate it!"
After this declaration, she looked stunned and flustered for a moment before listing what she does in her marriage and how much effort and thought she puts into prioritizing her husband's career and feelings. As she did this, she became more invigorated in her voice and body language. She concluded with how he never sees what she does for him, and instead, blames her for limiting his life and being too controlling. She shook her head in disbelief as the reality sunk in of how misunderstood she was in her his eyes and how this meant her husband didn't really know her. By the end of that session, she was sure he would never see her for who she was and for the good he brought to their lives. That for the past 6 years, she had tried very hard, but that this was not enough for him and she was done. Something in her just said, enough.
From then on, she no longer considered her husband as someone whose opinion she needed or respected and this left her much more freedom to listen to her own instincts.
She liked what she heard.
She became aware of her values and the traits in herself that she took pride in. As a result, she started to pull away from her husband and accepted they were roommates and coparents at this time, and nothing more. They will separate and divorce, just not now. Neither of them can afford it.
She saw how this dynamic in relating to significant others, by allowing them to make the ultimate judgement of her character and make her feel terribly, began as a child, with her mother. She began to have compassion for her younger self and the extraordinary efforts she had put in to please her mother and get her mother's praise. This lead to her setting limits with her mother and an acceptance and preparation for how interactions with her would go. It has been painful to see her mother for who she is, rather than who this patient wished her mother could be. But she can not change her mother just like she can not change her husband. So she has become more aware and receptive to the other more positive and effortless relationships in her life. She is investing more in people who value and believe in her, who treat her how she wants to be treated and who appreciate her for who she is.
And who she is, is someone with many interests of her own, she found out! She loves to write and is working on a series of young adult novels. She loves musical theatre and is taking singing lessons. These hobbies are vital to her now and she will not sacrifice them for relationships that do not give her joy and meaning.
She has given up pleasing others and putting others' needs above her own. She has realized with the demands and responsibilities in her life along with a clarity in what matters to her, that her time and energy are too precious to waste in this way.
She knows she is kind, generous and nurturing. She knows that these traits can be and have been taken advantage of, and she accepts now that no one will protect them for her, so she must do this herself.
Being at peace for this patient is acting in a way that is true to her, that affirms who she is every moment of every day. When this is compromised, she becomes aware by the dissonance in her body and past feelings of shame, frustration and anxiety that emerge. She realizes something must change and she does it, even if it inconveniences or disappoints others.
The result of all of this is that there is no longer any friction between what matters most to her, how she acts and how she feels, even in difficult circumstances.
In summary, being at peace then, is no longer an impossible aspiration that appears when all the stars align where the stress in your life is low and the good fortune is high. Anyone can work towards this, and don't fool yourself, it does take work. Fundamentally, to be at peace relies on knowing oneself well and developing a healthy, loving, respectful relationship with oneself.
Being at peace does not require one's life to be perfect or happy.
Being at peace does not mean things no longer bother or frustrate you.
Being at peace does not mean that you have no problems or stress.
Being at peace is loving yourself even when you feel negatively.
Being at peace is acting true to yourself even if it makes things inconvenient or difficult.
Being at peace is judging yourself with compassion and forgiveness. It is the wisdom that even when you strive to do things right, things can go wrong, but what matters is that you did things according to the best of you.