The Weight of the Virtual World: How Modern Life is Affecting Our Young People

I have spent almost 10 years speaking to adults of all ages about their mental health struggles. To be of any help, I have needed to make sense of their experiences, and find the causes for their dysfunction. From these conversations I can see how the extraordinary changes of our modern world have a unique impact on our young people. Here are some themes that have informed my understanding of why our young people are going through a mental health crisis:

1. We give the message to our young people that in-person connections are optional and unimportant, when they are absolutely necessary for well-being.

Everything uncomfortable that occurs in in-person encounters during this period is critical social development that is essential exercise and fuel for the brain. They are opportunities for growth, skills development, mastery and identity formation. However, all that is vital and good, that strengthens and builds resilience, is now what our young people have learned to be afraid of, to devalue and to dismiss. Instead of tackling the challenge that is socializing to develop what is required to be successful and feel fulfilled, they have learned to pathologize and emphasize their anxiety as justification to sit on the sidelines. Avoidance perpetuates anxiety. It is a natural consequence then that the longer they deny their social needs, the more they feel disconnected, disempowered, fearful and emotionally vulnerable. The only way to truly know yourself is to learn how to be with others and know others in-person. All of my patients have many online friendships, and they still develop crippling mental health symptoms. We all need to feel a sense of belonging that is tangible and real, a lesson we actually have already learned in infants. From birth, the human brain is wired for connection. For humans, to belong is to survive.

Young people need to hear and be shown that they are meant to bear social anxiety, especially in the face of the unknown. We are meant to harness this anxiety to learn about ourselves and our surroundings, so that we can better face what the future has in store. We are fortified and empowered when we choose to face our anxieties. When one chooses loneliness to avoid anxiety, there is no version of that story where the person does not wither and die. It is like a plant being anxious about meeting the sun. So we are raising a generation missing out on experiences that are at the bedrock of growing up healthy and with confidence. What makes it worse, is that because many of these young adults do not know any different, they can not know what they do not know. If they can not appreciate what they are missing, how can they be expected then to know what to do?

The difficulty I have in treating this patient population is trying to educate young people without sounding like a dinosaur yearning for “the good old days”. How do I explain the value of this super power they have within them: to change and be changed by another human being? That this connection is what can bring about self-esteem and makes life feel worthwhile? How do I explain that for all the reasons they tell me they can not enter into in-person social settings (the uncertainty, the awkwardness, the self-consciousness, the jitters, the possible judgement), that these in fact are all the reasons to take the plunge? It is like a ninja obstacle course but for the mind and soul. It is these ingredients, under the right circumstances that create trust and collaboration, feelings of safety that promote a stable nervous system and healthy brain growth. How do I convince young people that it is worth the risk? To live unscripted? To be curious about what more you could be when socially connected?

2. They have easy access to highly addictive technology. The conflicting messages about its harms and benefits, that match their own experiences and feeling out of control, leads to internal confusion and discord.

Many young adults are keenly aware that they are struggling. Many blame their use of technology, but have no ability to put limits on their use. It has become so instrumental in their lives. Social media has given our youth a false sense of belonging and identity, while entertaining them and wasting their time. How young people use technology is changing their neurobiology. How can they choose anything different for themselves when they are being raised and indoctrinated with the following?

• You should make a living online, this is where the money is. In-person jobs are disappearing.
• This is the way of the future, so get on board or get left behind
• Virtual connections can replace in-person ones
• Chatbots can understand you better than real friends
• Because of the technology available to you, you have no excuse to fail
• Use technology all the time, it will get you ahead, but if it makes you feel bad, that is your problem

The pressure young people are feeling to fix everything and themselves is immense. Technology has given them access to the world such that they have a disproportionately outsized experience of what is at stake. This is where the adults have failed so far. We have failed to take responsibility for the world so that our children don’t have to. We have failed to provide clear and rational explanations for the instability they are experiencing, both inside and out. We have failed to come up with any solutions. In essence, we have failed to create and protect a world that makes sense to our children, and where they can feel safe.

3. Our young people blame themselves when they did not stand a chance.

More and more of my young patients spend up to 8-12 hours online either playing video games or scrolling social media. Beyond these, more and more are addicted to pornography, gambling, and marijuana. The most common explanation I get for these behaviors is that they help them pass the time. Without these vices, they feel anxious and restless. Boredom, sitting with themselves has become intolerable. So they seek to disconnect from this terrible state of being, but know no healthy alternatives. Young people tell me they would rather be intoxicated and despairing than sober and despairing, as if these are the only options available.

Parents are usually totally unaware this is happening. They believe by giving their children hours alone in their bedrooms with a computer, that they are giving their kids autonomy and independence. They believe they are respecting their child’s privacy. The fact of the modern era is that parents are forfeiting their responsibility and quality time with their children to strangers online where there is no supervision or protections in place.

With cameras everywhere and online content living forever. My young adult patients are terrified of making mistakes. They have yet to experience the blessing that is forgetting. They equate making mistakes to wasting time and humiliation, both of which are unacceptable. They are constantly comparing themselves to unreal versions of more successful people they follow online. Having avoided learning about their emotions and what they might mean, feelings feel dangerous and out-of-control, and lead to a distorted skewed experience of themselves. In attempts to make sense of any of it, to take any control back is to internalize and take the blame. “I am alone and unhappy because of me. I did this. I am unlovable,” they tell themselves.

They have never learned the healing nature of in-person relationships, the goodness of putting suffering into words and to share this with another person for comfort. They have never worked on being understood and felt by another person, never told this was even possible let alone important. It is no wonder our young people get sucked back online, use substances, turn against themselves and self-harm to cope. Our young people have come to believe they are broken before they have had a chance to know what it is to feel whole.

Some final thoughts:

1. Whenever it is your brain against the algorithm; the algorithm ALWAYS wins. Before you know it, hours are gone from your life and you will feel much worse for it.
2. Just like sleep, adequate exercise, and nutrition, humans need in-person social interactions to be healthy, happy and resilient.
3. Humans are not as polarized or scary as social media makes you believe we are. Come out into the real world and find out for yourself. Learn to listen, learn to disagree, learn to repair. Go easy on yourself and others, to learn is to make mistakes and fumble around.
4. You are not alone. Your mission should you choose to accept it, is to prove this to yourself in the REAL world. Because only then, does it become true.